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[Dec. 23rd, 2009|06:10 am] |
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this seems crazy to me but when i think of anything happening to my dog i seriously can start crying. |
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[Dec. 13th, 2009|08:51 pm] |
so as some of you may know, school has not been going well for me. I've been placed on academic probation twice (after 2nd semester of freshman year and after last semester) for having a semester GPA of less than 2.0 (1.92 and 1.94). This semester isn't looking too bright either except for one thing; I got prescribed adderall in early November (woot)(i think it was long overdue since i know that I'm not just stupid(i was brilliant until some point in middle school) and i can understand everything I've been taught up to this point in my life, its just a matter of motivating myself to actually pay attention and do the reading, homework, etc.)(and somewhat obviously, a persons motivation capacity is proven to be related to attention capacity). So if i do get placed on deferred dismissal (getting kicked out of Rutgers after next semester) as a result of another sub-2.0 GPA semester (they give me a bunch of options for what i can do to recall that dismissal), i will most likely choose to meet with the engineering school Dean Bernath and request to be allowed to continue enrollment in courses related to engineering and request a review for consideration of reinstatement based on my Spring grades (this is one of the options). What i hope will work for my review of reinstatement, is an explanation of my circumstances (financial struggles and ADD). My mom is suppose to pay for 80% of my tuition while my dad pays 20% because she used to make a lot of money but then she got fired from 3 different jobs (and can't get hired for a 4th as a result) and she didn't save any money for my education or anything else for that matter (big surprise; she is a terrible planner). Now she's almost broke (relying on loans and such) while my step dad is making something around 60k a year (not even enough to live in Montgomery). As for my dad, him and my step mom make decent money (120k a year) but they decided to have two kids (one of which who turned out to be autistic (expensive to care for i think)) and as a result, I'm sure they don't have enough money to help me with more than 20% (even if they did, they would probably go ahead and waste more money by taking my mom to court first for not paying the 80%). So for the past year, knowing that my tuition won't be payed on time or even payed at all, I've gone into both semesters wondering if I'm actually going to be able to pick classes (most of my classes are closed due to capacity by the time part or all of my tuition is payed) and be considered a full time student at Rutgers (I have to pay full tuition or set up a payment plan with a down payment until this happens). Not only is this just a huge inconvenience and pain in the ass, but it strips me of whatever small amount of motivation i had in the first place. Some might think this situation should provoke the opposite and that i should try even harder to make up for the lost classes and lost mental preparation for my schedule but for some reason it doesn't. As a result, i get into the mindset that i shouldn't even bother trying because these classes that i eventually got signed up for could potentially just be a huge waste of time if my mom or someone doesn't continue to pay the installments of my payment plan. I know this is a very pessimistic or apathetic attitude but i can't help it. I can't completely control my brain and the feelings it produces. To top it all off, i still don't know if i want to continue with my engineering major. The two most important reasons i did it in the first place were because i knew i was smart enough to handle it and i knew that engineers can and will always be able to find jobs that pay well. Even later on in this semester i was considering switching to sports management or some bullshit major that wouldn't require a lot of work. Thinking about the future also scares me and adds to my lack of motivation. With the economy the way it is and the 900 trillion different jobs an industrial engineer can land, i don't have the slightest clue what i would do when i graduate. The economy's status almost nullifies one of my previous reasons for doing engineering in the first place and causes me to want to take my time and graduate in 5 or 6 years instead of 4. As for my ADD issue, I'm pretty sure there is some sort of rule that grants students with ADD and other problems more time on exams or other such "advantages (relative to students without problems)" so by arguing that my diagnosis occurred only recently (after 4 and a half semesters of college), i hope that the Dean understands that i might have been at a disadvantage during my previous sub-2.0 semesters and every other semester for that fact (my cum. GPA is a 2.3). I am extremely confident that my grades next semester will be much higher as a result of the adderall and hopefully this will convince the Dean to reinstate me. Currently, with the adderall, i can already see a huge improvement in my brain's function. I've been studying, waking up early for classes that i normally used to skip, paying attention in class, doing everyday things like cleaning my room and such, and I no longer get all worried and upset when i think about my future. It helps me to live one day at a time and to look at the future with a plan. This results in a much more optimistic and confident me. I'm aiming to get "most improved GPA" next semester in the fraternity and I'm fairly certain it will happen. My plan is to actually do homework and study chapters before they are discussed in class. As for the money issue, I'm planning on sitting down with my mom over winter break to discuss a student loan option and hopefully ill be able to pick my classes on time (before they fill up) from now on. sorry but i needed to vent and what better place than livejournal.
In other news, i joined the club volleyball team this semester and already got moved up to the 3rd team (out of 4) which is great. I think i'm actually going to start working out for real this winter break because i've dropped like 15 pounds in a year and i've always wanted to work out regularly (175 pounds for someone my height isnt right). I need money so im thinking about getting a job at some point. I really dont want to end up being a lifeguard next summer because as easy as it is, i'd rather not sit in the sun for hours on end, being bored out of my mind for 3 months again. however, the fact that i get payed nearly 10 an hour for essentially doing nothing is always nice so its not completely out of the picture yet. Im pumped for our ski trip coming up. |
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